
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10952430.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Dear_Evan_Hansen_-_Pasek_&_Paul/Levenson
  Relationship:
      Evan_Hansen/Connor_Murphy
  Character:
      Evan_Hansen, Connor_Murphy_(Dear_Evan_Hansen), Jared_Kleinman, Alana
      Beck, Zoe_Murphy
  Additional Tags:
      Anxiety_Disorder, Depression, Intrusive_gay_thoughts, teenagers_being
      teenagers, Suicidal_Thoughts, Awkward_Romance, Formula_for_secret_gay
      lovers, Mental_Health_Issues, Awkward_Sexual_Situations, treebros, tbh
      Evan_just_has_a_crush_on_anyone_who_gives_him_the_slightest_bit_of
      attention/affection
  Series:
      Part 1 of Breaks_in_the_Canopy
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-06-05 Chapters: 1/? Words: 1946
****** The Habitable Zone ******
by LordNorth
Summary
     It is the last weekend before summer ends and school starts. And
     while most of his classmates are probably doing something cool and
     making the most of it, Evan is lamely sitting on his bed in the dark
     like a teenage cliché.
     As the saying goes, there is always a calm before the storm.
Notes
     Hello fellow youths! I own nothing, this is unbeta'd, and I hope you
     enjoy these sad bois and their feelings.
See the end of the work for more notes
The thing about being publicly out in high school? It only limits what limited
dating options you already have in high school. It wasn't like Evan Hansen had
planned on being out either. Jared Kleinman, his closest family friend, had
just been needling him and needling him and needling him about being weird and
kind of sexless until he accidentally blurted in the middle of one of the
school's crowded hallways one morning that, "I like Kevin Pfieffer, okay?!" and
that was pretty the end of his social life, despite how accepting teens are
supposed to be these days. No fanfare, just a suddenly silent hallway and a lot
of obvious staring that felt like eternity before Jared broke the ambience
with, "... Kevin Pfieffer, really? Of all the men you could have possibly have
homoerotic feelings for, Kevin Pfieffer? Wow. I knew you had poor taste, but
Kevin Pfeiffer? I'm honestly surprised you have the balls to admit that you
could like someone like that, given all of the possible people that would have
been better than Kevin Pfieffer." Evan had meant to say that he liked girls
too, but his tongue refused to cooperate and his face felt flushed and way too
warm. So he did not and kept weirdly quiet for the rest of the day. And by
third period, he was pretty sure the entire school knew that the weird,
neurotic kid Evan Hansen had a crush on Kevin Pfiefer, the pushy student body
treasurer. He went from being the anxious kid to the weird, gay kid in a single
moment. It was not a good day.
That was almost two years ago, and the weak excuse for a social life he has
still hasn't recovered. Now every time he tries to talk to a girl, they treat
him like some sort of social accessory if they even acknowledge him. And guys?
Yeah, guys don't really like talking to him for very long. Heck, even the non-
binary kids that he tried talking to for a while still keep their distance from
him. It is pretty much a given fact that he weirds every one out.
Hence, Evan is enjoying another summer night living like a hermit. His mom had
left him some cash to order take-out, as she is working a double tonight. He
probably won't see her until Sunday morning, if he's being realistic. He
probably should try to eat something more substantial than a protein bar,
because his mom will somehow know if he does not. If he tries lying at all, she
will probably give him that "I'm not mad or upset with you, I'm just
disappointed" look that seems to be a requirement to be a parent. He really
does not want to order take-out online though, as even the thought of facing
someone and trying to make small talk while handling over cash fills him with
overwhelming dread. The last time he ordered pizza he accidentally gave the
girl a ten dollar tip on a five dollar pizza, because he freaked out while
trying to hand her the change, had yelled "just keep it!", quickly grabbed the
pizza, and then unceremoniously closed the door on her face before sliding down
to the floor. He had laid there for a few hours hyperventilating, and had not
even moved or touched the pizza until it was cold. It was not a good day.
God, why can't he just function like a normal person for once? It would be nice
to be able to do something simple like using a phone or talking to a stranger
without acting like it is the end of the world.
Although, his mom had mentioned she had left some chicken nuggets in the
freezer if he wanted to heat those up, but that is somehow worse. He could try,
but first he would have to move from his room, then he'd have to find a cookie
sheet in the mess of their kitchen pantry, which would not work and all the
pots and pans in the house would probably fall on him, all the while trying to
heat up the oven which is definitely a mistake because that thing has not been
cleaned in years which means he is going to have to explain to his mom, the
fire department, the police, news reporters, and everyone in this town just how
he, a 17 year-old high schooler, managed to burn down his house by feebly
attempting to cook dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.
Evan inhales a deep breathe. He wishes his brain could just stay still for one
second, instead of jumping from one bad thought to another. Every single
thought – it is always racing at top speeds to the worst possible conclusions
with no time to breathe.
Rolling over on his bed, careful of his arm, he flops onto his back. A soft
sigh escapes his lips. He wishes he had plans for tonight. It is the last
weekend before summer end, and he is, yet again, a sorry excuse for a human
being. While most of his classmates are probably doing something cool and
making the most of it, Evan is lamely sitting on his bed in the dark like a
goddamn teenage cliché. Going out, is out of the question, and not just because
his friends list is barely hovering above zero. I mean with low visibility and
drunks at this time of night? He'd rather be horny and in bed instead of horny
and dead. Evan bites the inside of his cheek. Good thing no one was around for
him to say that to. That was regrettably corny, even for him.
He strums his fingers in quick recession against his thigh. Really, is it too
much to ask for some nice dick on a Friday night? Is a simple fuck too out of
the cards? Well, yeah, it probably is. Actually finding someone willing to fuck
him is definitely wishful - and lustful - thinking and most likely a titanic
order, full irony of that particular adjective intended. Any attempt at
seducing a partner would definitely crash and burn ... or sink to keep in line
with the naval metaphors. Seriously, he is probably the virginiest virgin to
ever virgin. He could even usurp the constellation Virgo for that title. At
best, he might convince a stranger he would never have to see again for a pity
fuck because of his broken arm. That's only if he manages to act like normal
human being and talk to someone before and after the whole affair without
stuttering, stammering, or blurting out something regrettably inappropriate.
Anyways, what do you even do in that situation? He doesn't have experience in
hook-ups, let alone anonymous ones. Do you shake hands or dicks last? Oh geez,
now all he can think about is the idea of dicks shaking with each other upon
meeting like hands do.
Rubbing his closed eyes, he slowly sits up, and logs onto his computer that has
been laying by his side. After a brief check-in on Facebook, he switches to an
incognito tab before searching for an un-bookmarked video on one of his most-
frequented sites. He would never admit this out loud, but the video and site
are some of his favorites. Well, it is one of his favorites when he is actually
in a good head space for masturbating. On screen, two lanky teenage look-a-
likes are deftly stripping the other of their clothes intermittent with gasps
of frantic breathing and flashes of fierce kisses. One of the teens is burly,
blond, and wouldn't look amiss on a football team's defensive line-up. Evan
supposes this all-American look is supposed to be really attractive, but his
eyes are only on the smaller guy in the scene. The boy - man? ... Evan probably
should not be thinking about how old porn stars actually are - has flowing and
dark hair that frames long and dainty lashes that dust over freckled cheeks,
and limbs almost graceful in their awkward length. As the "teen" on screen
languidly unbuckles his pants, teasing the other guy in the video with slow,
methodical movements, the tantalizing hint of his dick and well-defined muscles
makes Evan swallow. Thankfully, he will never get used to that part.
With sudden determination, Evan slides off his jeans to his knees, throwing an
elbow awkwardly around only once because of the cast. It is embarrassing how
easy this particular action was to get used to. If Jared knew ... well, Jared's
not going to find that out, because he would never hear the end of it from
Jared if he did find out. And seriously? Can he not think about Jared when his
cock is hard and two seconds from being out and in his hand? He'd rather not
think about the implications of those particular intrusive thoughts right now,
thank you.
Gripping his dick, he matches rhythm with the reach-around being shown on
screen. The blond has the brunette bent over a counter-top, pounding a fierce
rhythm and calling the smaller man all sorts of provocative names. Evan's
breath catches when the long-haired "teen" let's out a particularly lewd moan
after his hair is pulled back rather ferociously. His eyes track the movement
of the guy's throat as it gasps for air, the turn of his lips as they beg for
release. Evan licks his own lips, twisting his hand just slightly on his dick
as he picks up pace. He doesn't know who he wants to be more in this particular
scene, but he can imagine quite a few people at school he certainly would not
mind re-enacting it with.
Oh, no. Now he is imagining people he would mind re-enacting it with. He can't
get the idea of Alana instructing him in that almost-clinical tone she has to
bend over out of his head. He keeps thinking about how she would call him an
acquaintance during the whole ordeal, and how she's only doing this for charity
volunteer hours. Fuck, he can physically feel his boner wilting. A thousand
other faces flashes before his mind, and Evan slams his laptop shut. His face
is wet, and he is pretty sure it is not from sweat. Letting out a frustrated
cry, he uses his good arm to slowly clean himself off. God, he is a mess. He
cannot even be normal while masturbating. Jared's right about him. He is creepy
when it comes to sex stuff.
Slowly getting up, he goes to his dresser. Pulling out a pair of shorts, he
slips them on. There is really no hope for the rest of the night, so he simply
goes to sleep. Well, he at least tries to anyways. He mainly just lies awake
listening to the slow hum of the ceiling fan, focusing on it instead of all the
bad thoughts piling up in his brain until he eventually succumbs to the night.
His therapist would be proud.
The next night goes about the same, masturbatory attempts included, and so does
the night after that. The only difference is, school starts tomorrow. And for
Evan Hansen, it feels like absolutely nothing has changed since the previous
semester. He's still the same old loser drifting through life like he's always
been. Why anyone even tries with him will always be a mystery.
Who knows, maybe something will change this year, but his hopes aren't set very
high. Evan swallows. Yeah, that's definitely wishful thinking there, because
nothing ever good happens to Evan Hansen. He does not have good days, he does
not have good years, and he certainly does not have a good life. That is just
how things are.
End Notes
     Just call me Elliot Reed, moment killer. (RIP any boners that died
     during this.)
     I cannot believe I am writing DEH fanfiction. ... So I have no clue
     how many chapters this will be, but I cannot imagine it will be too
     many. This will be a two-part series, only split that way because the
     tone of the second half is going to be vastly different from the
     first. This started out as PWP, but it evolved into a piece for me to
     vent my own anxieties and into a deconstruction of certain tropes
     regarding mental illness. Also, the first chapter was written on my
     phone. I apologize for any typos I did not catch.
     Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed. Feel free to leave kudos, comments,
     critiques, etc. New chapters will most likely be posted in a few
     weeks, and I am aiming for them to be longer than this introductory
     one. I really just wanted to establish Evan's mood in this chapter,
     and how his brain processes things. Hopefully, I captured how an
     anxiety disorder feels on page.
     P.S. if it sounds like a sex joke in this, it probably is.
     UPDATE: 6/26/2017:
     New chapters are being delayed a bit longer because I'm working on
     costume commissions for the summer convention season. I'm aiming to
     post a new one around July 3rd. Thank you for understanding!
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